1/16/2025
What’s a Campaign Diary?
It’s a write-up of what happened during a D&D session. For public record, in case I or any of my players wish to look back on what transpired during our evenings of tom-foolery.
This one is special, because it is the final playtesting of my game Crowns 2e before it launched on Kickstarter.
So, what happened?
Pre-Game
Even though I had weeks to prepare (thanks to an unforeseen ice storm in Texas) I didn’t. So, in my desperation I pulled out a zine I got from the Knave 2e Kickstarter a while back called “Summer’s End and Other One-Page Adventures.” I flipped a few pages and said, “this one seems simple enough.”
I won’t share the title, else it will give away the surprises down the line.
I explained the character sheet and ruleset to the three players (it had been greatly updated since last they played) and we rolled for characters.
Caitlyn: AKA “Roberta ‘Robber-Da’ Graves”
- Past Occupation: Graverobber & Tombfinder
- Starsign: The Weeping Widow (Pessimist)
- Physical Traits: Batter features, Athletic frame
Seth: AKA “Hoyt Shrute” (no relation)
- Past Occupation: Graverobber & Tombfinder (total coincidence)
- Starsign: The Donjon (Slippery)
- Physical Traits: Patchwork clothes, Freed Slave Tattoos
Michael: AKA “Toe-Joe” or “Joe-Toe”, depending on how and when you ask
- Past Occupation: Hillfolk Freefarmer
- Starsign: The Cauldron (Personable)
- Physical Traits: Portly frame, Missing toe
Narrative of the Game
Warning: Brutal imagery, but all in good fun. Certified, not psychos. Also, be aware the story starts silly and ramps up in seriousness as it continues.
The two graverobbers have worked together in the past and have decided to team up after hearing about some giant cairns near a town called River’s End. Cool. For extra muscle they bring along a Hillfolk Freefarmer who’s interested in making a name for themself as an adventurer.
On their approach to the town, from the south to the north, they see the town is sat on a lake and in the distance to the east, set on an island in the lake, is a wooden castle with white-washed walls. To the West are hills. Across the lake is a large forest. The lake has three major rivers feeding into it.
Entering River’s End (1pm in game)
The party arrives at River’s End and immediately speaks to the local parish priest who they determine the most educated member of the 50-person outpost.
“Hello, I’m Parish Paul, how can I help you?”
“Hey Parish-“
“It’s Paul.”
“Okay, Paul, what’s that fortress about?”
“Oh yeah those guys? They’re jerks. They’re supposed to protect us but they won’t do anything unless we bribe them. And every time we do they raise the bribe!”
“That sucks. Hey, we heard there’s giant cairns nearby, is that true?”
“Yes, there are the cairns of giants nearby, weird place, why do you want to know?”
(…)
“We want to appreciate the graves.”
“Why?”
“Because…”
“I draw them.”
“Draw what?”
“Cairns” (pronounced Kare-en-s)
“Karens? So people? You draw people? Like caricatures?”
“No CAIRNS.” (pronounced the same way)
(…)
“She means graves.”
“Ohhhhh.”
(…)
“So do you guys draw them or appreciate them or what?”
“I appreciate them because well, I’m actually on this pilgrimage because my mother died recently.”
“Oh okay.”
“And I draw graves. I’m not really with them.”
“Okay?”
“They’re weird.”
“Says the woman that draws graves?”
“Listen man, where’s the cairns.”
“I don’t know if I should tell you, we have enough problems with the soldiers in the fort disturbing the cairns in the past and you’re acting weird.”
“I bet you diddle kids.”
“What?”
“You’re a bald guy.” (the priest as a tonsure haircut)
“I going to call the town crier and let the whole town know you guys are shady and not to be trusted.”
(…)
“You touch kids.”
“TOWN CRIER!!!”
So, after being shamed out of the town, the party walked up the road a mile to reach the fortress on the island. They encounter a guard in a guard tower that says they’re really busy with soldiers stuff and can’t be bothered by whatever it is they want. They say the villagers and being jerks and want to join the fort.
“Really?”
“Yeah. They said that they don’t like that they have to PAY YA’LL for PROTECTION.”
“Okay, put all your weapons in this basket. We’ll open the gates and you can come on in.”
The party watches as a basket lowers, and after a brief discussion, do as their told. Inside they see a bunch of soldiers milling about with empty scabbards. There are two guarding a spear rack with spears, keeping eyes on the weapons at all time. There is a haybale off to one side. An armored man approaches them, introduces himself as Commander Hammett. Hoyt asks:
“Where are all your swords?”
“Great question! Those jerks down at the village came in the middle of the night and stole them all! An act of burglary, or grand larceny I tell you! We’re going to march down their right now and get them back. If you march at the head of the formation, we’ll let you join our group.”
“Can we kill that evil priest?”
“Maybe!”
“I heard he stole all the swords and diddles kids.”
“Truly a fiend, let’s get him!”
They all enthusiastically agree. They are handed back their weapons, given new spears, and padded armor. They are promised chain armor if they go through initiation after returning. The party and the soldiers (armed with spears, bows, torches, and the commander on horseback) march down the to the village. They are greeted by an old woman with a walking stick.
Village Raid (2pm in game)
“Who are you people?! What do you want!”
“We want our swords back!”
“What are you talking about!?”
“Don’t play coy with me! These brave souls have told me your village and your priest stole all the swords!”
“I don’t know who those people are!”
“You bore me! Hand them over now or suffer the consequences!”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about!”
“LOOSE.” (arrows pincushion the old woman who dies instantly)
“Alright boys, go find me my swords!”
The commander releases his mean to cause havoc on the town, the players beeline for the church as soldiers barricade folk in their houses, throwing torches on the straw roofs and saying they’ll be allowed escape once they give up the swords. Everyone is confused. The parish has many commoners hiding in it, the priest exits to negotiate.
“Give up the swords!”
“What are you talking about?!”
“You’re bald! You cannot be trusted!”
They strike the priest, verbally harrass him, and drag him back to the commander.
“This is the priest we spoke of.”
“I don’t know what’s going on!”
“Where are my swords priest?!”
“I don’t know!”
“How not, aren’t you in charge!”
“No!” (points to the pincushioned woman) “She was! She was the elder! I’m only 30!”
“Oh, well who’s next in line?”
“Well it would be…” (points to the house that’s barricaded and on fire) “Oh well then…” (points to a man being stabbed) “I don’t even know right now.”
At this point, all of the players are having deep feelings of regret, but have no idea what to do. Suddenly, a frog woman emerges from the lake. She carries a frog talisman in one hand and a massive sword in the other.
“ANY WHO ATTACK MY VILLAGE SHALL BE SMOTE BY MY POWER!”
She raises up her talisman, turning three soldiers into frogs in quick succession. One tries to run her down, and she’s hit, but is able to chop him in half after being struck. Seeing the carnage, Commander Hammett calls a retreat and orders they take the priest hostage. As they pull out of the town, the frog lady calls out once more:
“ANY WHO CROSS THIS LINE WITH ILL-INTENT SHALL INCUR MY WRATH AND BE SMOTE BY ME PERSONALLY.” (she draws a line in the dirt)
During the retreat, the players begin to come up with plans on how to get out of this situation, although it is not fully fleshed out.
Jailer, Torturer, Executioner (2:45pm in game)
After returning to the keep they ask the commander where the giant cairns are.
“On the west side of the village, in the hills there.”
They ask what they should do now.
“Well, I’d say interrogate the priest about the swords and frog lady.”
They join the interrogation of the priest in the castle dungeon with the fort’s local Jailer, Torturer, Executioner. He’s a jolly man who enjoys torture. He believes that one should, “prime the pump” and torture before asking questions, just to let them know you mean business. Twenty minutes pass, and the priest can no longer use his legs.
“Right. Well. I’m not good at asking questions, you lot should. I just do the torture.”
“Okay, what was the frog lady?”
“That was a fae enchantress named ‘The Lily Queen’ we worship who protects the village. She bestows swords on those who are to rule this fortress.”
A lightbulb goes off in the heads of all the players. They’re gonna take this fort and get a sword from the fae enchantress. Quest aquired.
“So you’re pagan and bald.”
“I mean, yes, maybe.”
“Disgusting.”
“I mean, I feel like you guys have sinned harder here.”
“Silence pagan!”
The ask for the Torturer to get them some food. Luckily, the soldiers just finished cooking frog legs. He asks how they want it:
“Tar-tar sauce.”
“Burnt.”
“Salted.”
“Salted is weird. Alright, freak. Just promise not to torture him till I get back! That’s my favorite part! I am the Jailer-Torturer-Executioner after all! This is all I do!”
With the Torturer gone they begin to interrogate the priest in secret.
“How do we get nominated to get a sword from the Lily Queen?”
“Well, usually you have to be a member of her cult and be chosen by the village.”
They mull over this.
“You’re going to help us take over this keep. In return, we’ll get you out of here, deal?”
“No.”
“No? What do you mean no? You’ll die!”
“To be honest, I already can’t use my legs, and you guys just burned a good chunk of my village down. The Torturer said he was gonna kill be tonight anyway. I don’t have a lot to lose. I at least know my spirit will go beneath the lake to be with my fae goddess.”
(…)
“Hello friends! I brought your frog legs as desired! And my own, Tar-Tar sauce AND burnt! I raw one’s for you PRIEST!” (throws skewer at priest, landing in his chest making him sad)
Roberta chugs the tar-tar sauce provided and asks the Jailer for more.
“You can just use mine.”
“I uh… don’t like double dipping.”
“Oh, bad news, it’s all double dipped.”
“Do you have any other sauces?”
“No.”
“Well… can I have salt then?”
(…)
“Okay, weirdo, I’ll get you salt.” (he leaves again)
The team returns to the priest.
“What do we have to do?”
“He has to say my hair is cool.” (looking at Toe-Joe)
“No.”
They have a team aside and convince Toe-Joe to say it.
“Okay fine, it’s cool.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“What do I have to do to make you believe me?”
“You have to get the haircut yourself.”
“WHAT.”
“Dude come on, there’s bloody sheers right over there on the torture rack, let’s just do this.”
(…)
“Fine.” (cuts most of it off himself)
“Still some bits left. You’ll need a body to help get a clean top.”
“You have no room to negotiate!”
“Dude, here.” (cuts the rest of the hair)
“Nice hair.”
“Yes… nice… hair…”
They cut his bonds just as the Jailer returns.
“I have returned with the salt fair lady!”
(…)
“Why is everyone looking at me?”
(…)
“Why do you have a new haircut?”
(…)
“Your shoe is untied.”
“Oh really?” (looks down and opens himself up for attack, but no one does anything)
(…)
“I’m getting bad vibes.” (backs up to the door)
Hoyte charges, rolls a critical failure. The Jailer opens and closes the door before the spear reaches him, he begins to call for help. Hoyte tries to grab him and rolls another critical failure. The Jailer runs all the way up the dungeon stairs alerting everyone.
Panic Mode (3:00pm in game)
The party decides the best way out of this is to pry open the blood vent on the floor. It leads to a chute taking them out into the lake. The put the priest down first. His legs don’t work, so he’s head first. He’s portly and established to be 5’8″. They kick him down and they’re good to go.
Hoyt jumps down next. The doors bust in and two soldiers with spears enter. Roberta jumps next because Toe-Joe is also portly and would have needed a push as well. He is offered an ultimatum.
“Give up peacefully and we’ll torture you tonight and kill you in the morning.”
“What’s the other option?”
“Fight and we’ll torture you all this week and kill you next year.”
He gave up without a fight.
At the bottom of the chute, Hoyt and Roberta struggle to save Paul the Priest who cannot swim because he cannot use his legs (due to torture).
Their options are to swim to a distant shore on the lake, but leave Paul because they can’t carry him that far, or swim to the shore near the castle. They choose the latter.
At this point Paul decides his life would be better if he ended it all and is fighting tooth and nail to be dropped into the sea.
Once they reach the coast, they hear guards being dispersed to search the shoreline. They pick up reeds nearby and use them as breathing tubes underwater. Paul’s must be held to his face. There they stay for four hours until nightfall.
Meanwhile… (8pm in game)
Toe-Joe is now Fingers-Joe as he loses his two middle fingers to the Torturer he betrayed. The Torturer makes mention that tomorrow he will use “the Ball Screw” before calling it a night.
Back to the three outside… (8pm in game)
Paul has given up on death for now. After reviewing the castles defenses, Roberta plans to scale the walls with her climbing pic (an item she rolled for at character creation). Then she’ll light the aforementioned haybale on fire as a distraction while they free Toe-Joe.
She attempts to scale the wall, critically fails, and falls down a cliff, nearly dying. She attempts a second time, takes enough damage to die, becomes a dead man walking but does make it to the top in time to throw herself and her torch on the haybale. It is quite a distraction.
She dropped her climbing pic to Hoyt before dying who also scales the walls during the commotion. He gets down to the dungeon door just as the Jailer is leaving. He immediately charges and rolls enough damage to annihilate the Jailer. He frees Toe-Joe, they leave, are mistaken for other soldiers in the chaos, and get out of the castle.
They find Paul crawling his way back to the lake to die. They instead drag him on a trip back to the village.
Back to the Village (9pm in game)
With Roberta dead, the two try to figure out what to do next. It is at this time they realize that Toe-Joe is also 5’8″, and looks kinda like Paul now that he has the haircut. They decide to knock out Paul, take his bloody, wet clothes, and leave him in the woods.
Toe-Joe approaches a now barricaded and guarded village gate.
“Who goes there? Paul, is that you?”
“Yes, it’s me! Paul!”
“What happened to you Paul?”
“It was so horrible I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I believe you, but with times being so chaotic right now I gotta know for sure. What happened?”
“I really don’t want to.”
“Okay, then let’s just do the secret handshake.”
(…)
“So… I was saved by a bald eagle that swept into the dungeon and freed me.”
(…)
“What?”
Hoyt decides to feign an attack, allowing Paul a chance to run into the village without issue. In doing so, he crosses the line the frog lady made in the dirt. It causes no immediate effect.
He’s immediately ushered to the church were he is asked to heal people. Which he kinda does through brutal cauterization of every type of wound. He then retreats to his priestly room to “pray.”
In there, he finds a painting of the Lily Queen, three idols of her, a book of her holy scriptures, and a bound-and-gagged child. He takes of the treasure and leaves.
Hoyt realizes they could have just circumvented the town instead of having to go through it, so he does.
Toe-Joe leaves the town just as the real Paul finished crawling into the town and a search party was sent to the church to look for the imposter.
They meet up in the hill beyond town.
“Find anything important in the priest’s room?”
“Just a book, some idols, and a painting.”
“Nothing else?”
(…)
“Nope.”
While travelling the hills, they encounter deep gouges in the ground, two trails of repeated sword stabs.
“Weird.”
They travel until they find a hill with a large cairn on it. It is at this point they realize they don’t have shovels or pick-axes. Instead, they camp out here, and in the morning they travel south to the town they originally came from to sell their loot and buy tools.
End of Session
Thank you so much, everyone!
Until we meet again,
GOOD LUCK ON YOUR ADVENTURES
Ward Against Evil 
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